Disclaimer – although I am a parent, I do not confess to have all the answers on being a parent. The following information is based on my experiences while interacting with my own child and observations of other parents. I hope the insight can help you on your own journey as a parent.
- Always listen to your child
This sounds like an obvious statement, but many parents unintentionally dismiss their children because they are doing something else. Perhaps they are busy with important financial matters or something related to work. Well, be warned, your lack of interaction with your child will do nothing but increase the distance in your relationship and promote reciprocal behaviour from your child.
If you can’t listen to them, how do you expect them to listen to you?
Communication is a two-way process and listening is arguably the most important skill to assist the communication process between a child and parent. It also sets a precedent of how the child should behave towards other people. Respect is built from firstly listening. So, if you want to gain respect from your child, you must first listen to them.
As an example, I can remember going to a party some years ago and a mother there was always shouting at her young son for, you guessed it, not listening to her. In return, her son had no respect for her, I could see it in his face, his smirk said it all. I realize that this is but a snapshot of their relationship, but it illustrates want I mean. Shouting will get you nowhere. Listen first and build a relationship on a foundation of mutual respect. Shouting doesn’t earn you any respect, it just grows fear, and fear will push your child away.
Listening also has another important function for parenting – as a means for identifying problems that the child may be facing. Introverted children especially, do not always express their concerns outwardly, so you need to be listening for clues of distress or worry.
Listening to your child will help them grow in confidence because someone is listening to them. It makes sense, right? How do you feel when no one listens to you? Over a long period of time you can imagine how this could seriously dent your confidence in expressing your ideas. The expression of thoughts, emotions, and ideas starts early in life. Help your child get off to a flying start by listening to them every day.
- Do things together
The childhood years go by very fast. Before you know it, your children will be seeking their independence and not wanting to spend so much time with you. Cherish the moments because they will never come back once they are gone. I know that some days you can’t wait for them to grow up, but believe me, once they have grown up, you will miss those days. Make some happy memories that you can look back on with fondness.
I’ve also noticed in my observations with other parents, that if you don’t spend time with them as children, as adults, they will not be there for you. It’s kind of a generational karma. An example here is my friend in primary school. He was always home alone because his parents were busy working to pay off the mortgage. He now lives in another country and rarely sees them.
So be sure to set aside time each day for your child. It’s ideal to make it a routine at a set time. Reading time before bed is a great way to end the day on a good note. This mostly works well for myself and my child, although I must admit I am dog-tired sometimes, but I always make the effort because I strongly believe in the power of spending time together.
- It’s not all about formal education
It is a common trait of many parents to make sure their children get the best possible education. Or at least what is perceived as the best. Sending your child to the best school in town will not guarantee great education.
It is important to realize that not all kids learn well in a classroom environment. Schools are institutions that cater for a mass population. Everyone has to fit under the one umbrella, and if you don’t fit in, it can be difficult, and in some cases a living nightmare for a child. Children can suffer learning difficulties, social awkwardness, and bullying for instance.
There is also an expectation by many parents that education takes place inside the school and that’s where the buck stops. In reality though, many of life’s lessons are learnt outside the school classroom.
Here are a few examples –
Basic life skills such as cooking, budgeting, and time management are skills that parents can teach their children. These are practical skills that will help them throughout their lives. Not just to pass a test.
Critical thinking is a skill that does not receive enough attention in formal education, although it varies from school to school. It allows children to analyze information for it’s credibility and reliability. To determine whether a source of information is bias, fake or not. To navigate the increasingly deceptive online world, this is a crucial skill.
Cultural understanding can be enhanced when parents travel overseas with their children. Expose them to other cultures. Open their eyes to how the rest of the world lives. I’m not saying this cannot be done at school, but the experience of travel is about as real as it gets.
The point is, learning takes place all the time in many different places. We are all teachers and learners in varying circumstances. Remember also that the journey of learning never stops. As a parent you can foster a keen curiosity of the world around your children being open to this fact.
- Establish boundaries
Kids need boundaries set by parents because they don’t understand the concept yet. To a child, their are no limits to anything.
Boundaries include routines and set times for activities. A regular time for going to bed and waking up, doing homework or study, and of course screen time limits. For example , if you don’t set a time limit, they will play Nintendo Switch or watch YouTube until the cows come home. I know there is a temptation to let them go for it so you can have a break, it’s just that it’s not healthy. There is mounting research that shows negative effects of excessive screen time by children including sleep disorders, behavioral problems, and mental issues as well. For more detail click HERE.
I’m not saying ban electronic devices, just set consistent limits. So why not ban devices? Well, you can, but these devices are here to stay, and all of your child’s friends play them. This in itself creates a kind of bond between friends, it gives them common ground, something to talk about. So banning the use of electronic devices may actually isolate your child from their friends and make the situation worse.
Eating habits also require some boundaries too. I have come across parents that let their children eat anything and as often as they like with the obvious consequence of weight gain or obesity to behavioral issues due to too much sugar in the diet. Although research suggests that sugar doesn’t have a significant affect on children’s behaviour, it is reasonable to assume that this is not the case for all children. Some are more susceptible than others.
Perhaps taking the middle ground here is the best approach. Control what your kids eat, but allow for treats as a reward for good behavior, like doing their homework.
One final point on setting boundaries is that it helps children to become self-disciplined adults later in life. I have seen this in family members who have acknowledged the benefits of having boundaries set because it has helped them learn self-control and make better decisions as adults.
5. Get your life together
Children are a reflection of their parents – be careful what you shine in the mirror.
You’ve heard the expression, ‘to follow in your father’s footsteps’, well kids will follow you. They often aspire to be like their parents. They tend to latch onto things you do and say and use it in their own lives, for better or worse. So get your act together. If you are a fully functioning competent human being, the chances are they will turn out the same.
Of course, there are many factors influencing a child’s development, but the shadow you caste can hang heavy over a minor with no life experience.
I know from my own life that I have inherited many of my parents traits.
There are words of wisdom in the Harry Chapin song, ‘Cats in the Cradle.’ If you are not familiar with it give it a listen. In short, it’s about a child aspiring to be like his father, but the father is too busy working and doesn’t have time for his son. It goes through the cycle of life and at the end the father, now retired asks to spend some time with his son, but the son is too busy.
You reap what you sow.
Children are looking for someone to look up to and the parent is the obvious choice. However, if you are not around, they will find another role model, which may not be ideal.
So, in general, If you have your own life in order, your children will follow.
6. Don’t put them on a pedestal
This one is a common mistake, one that I find myself guilty of from time to time, especially with an only child who gets all the limelight. We want the best for our child so we do everything for them. Present everything to them on a silver plate. Give them too many choices and generally spoil them rotten.
We are setting them up for failure.
It’s the modern era phenomena known as ‘helicopter parenting.’ You know the the overprotective, overinvolved parent who just can’t leave their child to their own devices for a second, unless it’s an electronic device of course.
The problem with this approach to parenting is that children expect things to be done for them all the time so they become dependent. We should be encouraging children to be the exact opposite, independent. They need to be able to make decisions and solve problems for themselves. They need to practice these skills. They are skills, that’s right, skills that need to be learnt over years of practice. Don’t deny them the opportunities necessary to master this skill.
One example of this helicopter parenting is a recent situation in which my daughter had a fight (verbal) with her, at the time, best friend at school. Basically it was nothing serious, until, the mother of the other child got wind of what had happened and blew the whole thing out of proportion. Suddenly the families of the two kids were involved, the teacher and even the principal. Letters of complaint were written and harsh words exchanged to compensate for the hurt incurred by one of the children.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, it was a issue that the kids should have and could have sorted out themselves. How and when are they supposed to learn conflict resolution skills? When they start work? Hey too late. Shielding your child from hardship or any sort of difficulty will only make them less resilient. They tend to become less capable at coping with challenges or problems in their lives.
Another consequence of the helicopter approach to raising children is that kids tend to lack gratitude because the sense of accomplishment has been taken away from them, they don’t have to struggle if a parent is doing it all for them. And naturally, having not experienced what is is like to ‘put in the hard yards’, there is a lack of empathy as to what is required to achieve something challenging. If it’s too hard, they give up because they know mum or dad will step in to complete the task for them.
Let them fall down, let them cry, and let them discover the beauty of triumphing over adversity.
Children in this generation are growing up with a false sense of reality. They believe the world revolves around them and have a sense of entitlement. They need a bit of tough love otherwise they will be ill-prepared for the harsh world that awaits them.
7. Believe in them
Never give up on your child.
No matter how hard life gets, you need to be a pillar of strength for them. If you ever wanted to feel needed in your life, well this is it. Your child is more dependent on you then anyone else in your life.
Try not to have unrealistic expectations on your child. You may want them to be the best athlete or top of the class, but they are still developing and all children develop at different rates. It is unfair to compare your child, they have not finished growing physically, mentally, or spiritually yet.
Praise your child when they achieve something, but don’t make a big fuss about it. Likewise, acknowledge when they have a problem and work together to try and find a solution. For example, if your child is having trouble was mathematics, sit down together and go through it. Don’t say they can’t do something or aren’t s good at something. Figure out why they are having trouble.
Be patient. Your child is changing and will go through the usual ups and downs of growing up. Every day is a new beginning and a chance to get better.
Remember that one day you will have to let them go, but if you believe in them, they will come back.
Learn to Survive 